Tech #Disaster 101

@EstherDDavis

Mrs. @SprklyBubbles96 1

#English800

2 Sept 2073

5 Paragraph Essay: Technological First Aid 2 (First Draft)

Bright screens, blaring music, the aroma of chocolate cake drifting from the i-Sens Box’s ad… welcome to the ideal American home. Our #technology keeps us alive, feeding us the constant simulation the human brain craves for survival. But what if an EMP exploded above Washington? 3 :O Goodbye to electronics, permanently.

Don’t worry, the human brain can survive a full 26 hours 4 without constant stimuli. :) 5 But only 26. In an #emergency, your first priority is finding new stimuli. Water, food, shelter—that can wait.

You’re first option: #fire. 6 The flickering light simulates a screen and instantly revitalizes 7 the #brain. Nearly anything can catch fire if you pour enough #gasoline on it: garbage, books, your house… be #creative! Remember, fire kept the cavemen alive. It can save you, too. 8

Unfortunately, fire requires fuel, and fuel eventually runs out, however, 9 simulating #music can also rescue your brain :-) 10 If you’re with friends, create a quartet and repeat the I-V-vi-IV chord sequence for a few hours. If your 11 alone, try smacking #rocks together.

My suggestions should cover most emergencies. 12 However, if no #fire, #friends, or #rocks are to be found when an EMP 13 strikes, you can revert to “toys”. Examples include #dolls, #LEGOs, and #footballs. tbh 14 I’m not sure how they work, but if you stare at them long enough I’m sure you’ll figure it out :) 15

Teacher’s Notes:

1 – doesnt my name deserve a smiley face? ;) jk

2 – choose something more catchy, like “Tech #Disaster 101”

3 – LOL. A EMP? Use something more realistic, like a alien invasion

4 – use “26hr”. Abbreviate when possible. Dont want to slow down readers!

5 -*cringe* Never place a period near an emoticon :P Smiley faces replace periods

6 – use “#fire”. Its a topic after all

7 – O.o wats “revitalize”? None likes a word-inventor. Use words that are actually in the dictionary pls

8 – again with the abbreviations! U can drop the comma 2

9 – run on sentence. “however” needs a period in front of it

10 – dont combine emoticon styles in the same essay. Choose either nose (“:-)”) or noseless (“:)”)

11 – actually its “you’re” not “your”. But u can save urself the hassle of remembering if u just use “ur”

12 – ur missing a chance to self promote! Include your website or twitter here :)

13 – see note 3

14 – since “tbh” begins the sentence, it should be all caps

15 – endings deserve a more enthusiastic emoticon, like “:D” or even better “=DD”

 

NOTES…

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. If any of the above advice sounds stupid, that is because it is. Please do not follow it.

As a writer, I proofread everything. Including my texts. Unfortunately, my English teachers never taught me the correct way to use emoticons. Does the smiley face go before, after, or in place of the period? On the other hand, if emoticons, abbreviations, and other trends like hashtags made there way to the grammar books, what kind of tech-savvy, English-teaching monsters would it create?

On that note… Welcome back to school!

Thanks for reading! There’s a new sketch coming next month. You can subscribe or follow me on Twitter @EstherDDavis for updates. For more reading material, see my past sketches and short stories.

 

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